The Life and Times of a Nobody

Hello, so you know when you go for a job interview, palms sweaty, tongue dry, nervous fidgeting, and then they ask you the all-time, no 1, worst question….’tell us about yourself?’.  Suddenly the walls come crushing down on you, you struggle to breath, a hot flush seeps across your face and you look longingly at the window calculating your chance of escape!  How is it possible to encapsulate ‘yourself’ into a 60 to 90 second reply?  What even is ‘yourself?’, do I even know?  And then when you have finally stopped dwelling in this kafkaesque torment, you tend to give a list of professional accomplishments, and hope this is enough to impress and deceive that you have started to doubt that you truly understand ‘yourself’.

Now that I’m really confused lets really think about this, if you asked me to ‘tell you about myself’, and if I wanted you to understand who I am and what is important to me, how would I answer?  So, I’m thinking I’m going to write my obituary to see if we can work this out together.

‘Nobody’ - The man. The myth. The legend.

‘Nobody’ died today as a result of being too stubborn and doing things that he knew better than to do.  ‘Nobody’ was killed when he rushed into a burning orphanage, tackled a troop of blood crazed tigers and saved a group of adorable children. Or maybe not. We all know how he liked to tell stories.

‘Nobody’ loved take-away food smothered in Burger sauce, Zombies, sleeping, toy soldiers, Supernatural, one beautiful woman, and Diet Coke.  

He hated vegetables, tying shoelaces, injustice and hypocrites. 

‘Nobody’ didn’t suffer fools and had a certain disdain for people.  Individuals were OK, he would even go so far as to say that he liked a few of them, but people, a collective mass would have him running to the hills in terror.

Peas were the food of the devil and Julia Roberts the Devils ambassador.

He was master of the remote control and ruled the television with a fair and equal hand, providing it was nothing medical or slushy.  He excelled at never losing competitive illness and reading any history book he could find.

‘Nobody’ loved to tell stories. And you could be sure 50% of every story was true. You just never knew which 50%.

Vin Diesel, The Rock and Jason Stratham were his movie heroes. And he was the hero for his three children: Cuddle Bear, Baby Bear and Poppy Bear.  Too Mummy Bear, he felt that at times he was more of a burden, but despite this he loved her with a furnace of passion, she was the ballast that kept him afloat and for which he was eternally grateful.  She taught him the importance of laughter, generosity, compassion and wisdom.

‘Nobody’ was a fashion trend setter, he took cues from no one.  He exclusively wore his soft trousers with pride and often formed long lasting deep and emotional relationships with them.  He was also a champion for Crocs, who can forget the stoic look of ‘Nobody’ trudging through the snow in his Crocs and socks?  But of course, given the choice, ‘Nobody’ would choose to be naked, bearing his buns to the sun.

‘Nobody’ lived his life to the mantra ‘Carpe Diem’, providing he could do it tomorrow, and if he couldn’t, the day after that would be fine.

‘Nobody’ lived with a shadow throughout his life, a fear that he could not find his original voice, that he was missing out, that his purpose would be lost, that he was without passion.  But then in a lightning bolt from Zeus, he discovered that his original voice lay within his family of bears.  His children are his passion.  He just hopes that the realization hasn’t happened too late.

‘Nobody’ would like to feel, that despite the struggles he did a wonderful job at life.  That he’ll be remembered for his smile, his warmth, his creativeness, his playfulness, and that he made a difference.  Each day he would try to do at least one thing right.

But most of all for his lifelong crusade to educate on the dangers of holding in your farts.  He tried to find humor in every situation, whatever life throws at him, he tries to get through it by laughing.  Unfortunately, not everyone had such a finely and uniquely attuned sense of humor so wouldn’t always get the joke, which just made ‘Nobody’ laugh even louder.

So that’s my attempt.  Do you feel you understand me better now?  I tried to be as honest as I dare, and it felt good.