if

I’ve been wandering about what my personal values are, the morals that I choose to live my life by. But what are they?  Do I even have any?  Have they got lost down the back of the sofa with the old TV remote and empty crisp packets!  Will I find honesty, beauty, courage alongside a hair encrusted pear drop?

As a child, I remember My Mum telling me, always tell the truth, be nice to my brother, always say please and thank you, and tidy my room.  Stranger ones included always wear new underwear in case you’re in an accident!!!  Of course, as a child, I rarely told the truth, consistently battled my brother, only said please and thank you when I thought it would benefit me, my room was however spotless if you could find it under all the mess, and as for wearing clean underwear, I made a point of not wearing any!

In the Cubs, I would stand, upright and dutiful in front of the Union flag, with my hand raised in salute and recite the Cub Scout Promise.

On my honour, I promise that I will do my best

To do my duty to God and to the Queen,

To help other people

And to keep the Scout Law

What does honour and duty mean to a 7 year old?  They were notions found in the pages of ‘Victory’ and ‘Eagle’ comics or in old black and white war films.  Cary Grant, Victor McLaglen and Douglas Fairbanks standing proudly over the defeated and bloodied Thuggee forces, saluting the death of Gung Din.  And ask me now the Scout law……sorry, didn’t hear you, what was that?

At school, I was told, keep quiet, do my work, don’t be late, eat my greens, keep in mind that I went to school at a time when there was a spot on the wooden frame of the blackboard and a metre length wooden rule kept within arm’s length to ensure that these values were respected.  In case you’re curious, the spot was where the child was required to put their nose so that the backside was at the desired height and angle for a whacking.  I never witnessed anyone being dealt this punishment, but the promise of it alone was enough to ensure law and order in the class room.

Church taught me the Lords Prayer and the 10 commandments, of which I can only remember a handful, don’t lie, don’t covet, don’t murder, don’t swear, don’t work on the Sabbath, don’t worship false idols, honour parents…that’s not bad, I’m sure if I took a bit more time I’d get them all.  Which speaks more of my memory rather than my obedience to them, I can say that I remain faithful to only one.  But then, I didn’t make a choice to live my life by these commandments so does that make them null and void anyway?

And that’s the point, these values were instilled upon me in my youth.  These were the values of my elders, of society and when I left home, the Cubs, school and stopped going to church what became of my value system?  When I did break free these values where killed off and replace by ambition and goals.  That’s not to say that I don’t have values, but that today it feels that more emphasis is placed on what you can get, than what you can give.  The children I grew and played with are parents like I, and instead of values we teach our children ambition.  Values are seen as a weakness to be sacrificed at the altar of ambition.

I’ve realised that I’ve interchanged morals with values, are they the same?  Morals are a standard of behaviour, principals of right and wrong, values are a judgement we make on what is important to us.  Morals are the ingredients, values the recipe we choose, and my sense of me, is the cake….Concord cake if you please.

I heard a lovely tale today, about the Taliban.  When the Taliban controlled most of Afghanistan pre 9/11, they installed Sharia law.  Their interpretation exposed women to the most extreme and brutal repressions, one of which was the compulsive wearing of a burqa, a traditional dress covering all, not an inch of flesh was shown from head to toe.  Failure to do so would often lead to public beatings.

Within this setting of religious fervour, there was a band of woman, I think they were nurses, who took to wearing fishnet stockings and tights under their burqas.  This wasn’t done to tantalise or excite, it wasn’t designed to be sexual or erotic.  It was so they could remand faithful to their own, individual core values within an extreme and flawed moralist framework.  At the risk of public beatings or worst, they chose to rebel, to remind themselves of their femininity, their individuality, their identity. 

So, is this what is missing, do I feel a struggle in my life because I have lost touch with my core values, because I have no fishnet stockings of my own? Have I always accepted the morals, ambitions and values of others as my own, and now find that this recipe no longer makes the cake that I want? 

The more I try too identity and connect with my own personal values the more I feel grounded as a human, and the easier it becomes to see where I have been, where I am and where I want to go.  It may no longer be about ‘promises made to do my best and to do my duty to God and to the Queen’, but rather ‘promises made to do my best and to do my duty to myself and my family’. 

Many years ago, I came across a poem ‘If’ by Kipling, I had always thought of this as being a perfect blueprint for how I want to live my life.

IF you can keep your head when all about you 

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!