'Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom'

Hello again, so I didn't manage not to wake the wife last night when I tried to sneak into bed, for my efforts I suffered a swift kick to the shin.

Last time I talked about the parts of me, not being equal to the sum of me.  But isn't that true for us all?  We know I'm a husband, a father, a pet owner, an ex-smoker, don't like my job and like food too much, but that's what I am, not who I am.  From this, 'mes enfants', we can infer or deduce all manner of identities, but how can we be certain, can we ever be, and how much does it matter, who we really are?  And do we need to know who we really are to be really happy?  Can we just assume to be happy?  After all can we assume to assume anything?

To assume is one of the things that turns my skin green, makes my muscles rip through my shirt and causes me to communicate in monosyllabic grunts.  To make an assumption is to dismiss a person's truth.  We assume, when the truth is seen as too inconvenient, or it doesn't align with our narrative, or we simple don't have the inclination to listen.  Assumptions can lead too misunderstanding, which can lead too persecution, which can lead too anger, which can lead too conflict, which can lead too the end of humanity as we know it....all because we didn't feel the need to listen.  Sorry, I'm ranting and digressing, so back to where I wanted to go.

So how do I find out who I am?

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

Lets start at the beginning, if you're sitting comfortably, I'll begin.  I guess to help me truly understand who I am or feel I am meant to be, I should start by asking some questions.  What is it that is stopping me from, what was it that stopped me from quitting smoking for so long?

I was afraid, afraid I couldn't do it, afraid I wouldn't be good enough, afraid I would fail and in turn let the people I love down, so much so that it made me want to reach for another cigarette!  73 days ago I had my last cigarette.  It's been hard, and there are times when I wish I could light up, but I'm not going to.  I decided, that fateful day, that the fear of failing was not going to stop me, hold me back any longer, and this neatly brings us to my first question.

If there was no fear, that I knew I couldn't fail, what or who would I be?

At first, I thought, 'How am I suppose to know, how is anyone meant to know?', but with a little effort, a little wine, and then a bit more belief, the penny dropped.  I want to be a paperback writer!  As Leopold Bloom danced and sang when he had his epitome, so did i, albeit in my heart, in a dark room, lights off, curtains drawn and with no-one watching.   While I'm sure you are thinking 'writing?,  never?,  really?,  I would never have believed it!,  Well that's a turn up for the books!,   Who would have thought it!.  It's always been nestled, snugly in the back of my mind, fed with the occasional nourishment of dreams and aspirations.  The fear of failing had locked it firmly in place and tortured me with ideas of what if. 

The next, will seem a tab fantastical, but then I never said it had to fall within the realm of reality, but I imagine it would really help.  I would absolutely love to be a time traveler.  I'm not interested in going forward, only backwards.  I enjoy looking at old photographs, images from history.  I'll look at the people in them and wonder who they were, what they did, what they were thinking.  I wonder what they would make of life today.  I'll picture their world, their life, dreams, hopes and fears and compare that with mine today.  I'll try to forge a connection with this long dead person, or a scenery that has long vanished, sacrificed to the Gods of modernization. The oldest object I own is a French Napoleon III coin from 1856.  In that year The Crimea War ended, the Wild West was still pretty Wild, Sigmund Freud, Nikola Tesla, George Bernard Shaw and Woodrow Wilson were born.  Slavery was still practiced in the States, the American Civil War was still 5 years away.   Man only dreams of flying and the idea of an internet would have been seen as the rantings of a mad man guilty of heresy.  But this coin has survived, survived the rise and fall of nations, survived countless invasions and liberations.  It has survived a journey, carried in the hands and pockets of nameless thousands and eventually it found a way across the sea and into my hands.  It's worn and tarnished, but it shines, it glows with the stories of those that held it before.  This coin, as also the photographs, are history's legacy to me, they speak of a bond between now and then, they whisper of the enduring curiosity of human nature, they reveal a commonality within the human condition and they promise that, like the dinosaurs, life finds a way.

Anyhow, for now, I'm going to bed, hope this made some sense too you and if you're interested, the wife did have chocolate in her bag!  Till next time, when I think I'll be writing my obituary!

Welcome to the Year of Living Dangerously

So it's 2019, Christmas has been and gone, I'm a little less younger than I was, the dog has had puppies, the children are asleep and the wine and chocolate are all gone......although I'm sure my Wife is hording some bars in her bag!!!!

As it's quiet, I thought I'd write by the dying glow of the fire and the twinkling from the tree, but where to begin...

It seems only proper that before we begin this journey we should have formal introductions.  I'm married to a feisty, challenging and incredible woman, whom I feel so lucky to wake up next to each day.  I have three children, one just in her teens, the youngest on the verge of becoming a toddler and the last somewhere in between.  They are, beyond a doubt, without question, indisputably my world, as I'd hope any parent would say of their children... it's a shame, I was going to say 'I'm sure', but sadly, I know that's not true.  I just know, that if the building was burning down, it's the kids I would save first, the wife would have to fend for herself...it's OK, I know she feels the same way!

The amazing thing about my kids, apart from the fact, that somehow they managed to be my kids, is that each day they teach me something new, they force me to question and evaluate, they motivate me to be better, to be more than who I am.  They force me, with their smiles, or laughter, or a flick of their hair, to face my failings and fight the good fight, so they can say they are as proud of me as I am of them.  And boy, it's a real fight sometimes!!
 
Now I know they're not perfect, they are wonderful, but I wouldn't want them to be perfect.
Their are also currently five dogs and a cat in my household, approximately 50%-40% of the time, my Mum stays with us as well.  Interesting how I've listed my Mum along with the pets!  A cigar is sometimes a cigar, sometimes it's a Freudian slip!

There's also a strong possibility, that my niece may be coming too live with us, she's having real problems at home.  As my wife says, 'we must help if we can', and well we can.  And when it feels like we live in a society where it is easier to say no than it is to say yes, where the focus seems to be not on what we can do for others, but on what others can do for us, it's time to herald the banner, let loose the dogs of war and shout 'YES'.

I'm an ex-smoker, which is proving to be really hard, but I'm sticking at it.  I was promised a PS4 if I survived giving up,  it's yet to materialize.  I am told I can go and buy one, but I can't help feeling that I've been conned a little, while the agreement was I could have one, nothing was agreed that I could actually play the console once it was home......

I'm overweight, I like food, enough said.

I'm really struggling with my job, it's failing me and in turn I must be failing it, which then brings forth all kinds of questions and fears.  I also have some issues with the management there which doesn't help.

So, that's just a brief hello, life here is often chaotic, sometimes very difficult and we forget to smile, sometimes very silly and loving and warm like a big soft embrace.  It's never dull, it's Mediterranean, with a touch of Never Never Land.

These are just some of the parts of me, but not the sum.  I'm not really sure of what the sum is, only that it's forever changing it's course, sometimes wild, sometimes tame, like a giant meandering river.  And tragically this is a river I feel I have not swam in enough.  I don't feel authentic, there are parts of me, that don't feel real or genuine.  But for now the fire has died and I need to go to bed or risk the wrath of my wife, so stay tuned for the next exciting installment.  Will he fall perilously to his doom like Icarus when he tried to touch the sun, or will he soar like Pegasus into the heavens.